in which our hero drags out the last one...

I had to give cats equal time in Feline Fervor:

Author's note: Many thanks to Mary Whitledge, cat lover and early hansaniac, for her contributions to this piece (even if she's unable to recognize them...)

Let me make it clear to everyone at the outset - and especially to you cat people - I do not hate cats. Yes, I am on record as a dog person, but it has never kept me from making fun of them. My mother has two cats I like, sort of. I’ve owned cats, pet cats, fed cats and in my whole life I’ve probably said at least two, maybe three nice things about cats. Please remember that before you go calling PETA on me because I point out some of the, uh, eccentricities of cat ownership. Cat people are so darn serious! The point is to have some fun and make a few jokes - so lighten up a little, okay?

Come to think of it, never mind about my mother’s cats, because the little one climbs on the dining room table before dinner and the fat one sits on the stairs and hisses at me; they don't qualify as my best examples of cat tolerance. But at least I don’t terrorize them like I used to do to my brother’s weird little dog (but if Jerry Springer ever does a show about Mutant-Animals-That-May-Look-Like-a-Dog-But-Don’t-Know-What-They-Are-And-Neither-Does-Anyone-Else, my brother’s going to have to take time off of work and go on TV…). Sorry, I digress; I believe we are here to discuss cats.

Historically, I'll bet that cats were domesticated after dogs. One could, in fact, make the argument they have yet to be domesticated. My guess would be cats waited until Man attained a high enough level of intellectual development to properly appreciate their gracing us with their presence. In ancient Egypt, mummified remains of dogs were common inside the Pyramids, but cats were worshipped - no doubt a condition of their allowing themselves to be domesticated.

I was trying to domesticate some software when an idea coalesced in my head like Jell-O in the refrigerator - owning a computer is like owning a cat. (Speaking of Jell-O, is it possible to pinpoint the exact moment the sugary water and ice cubes become gelatin? You poke it with your finger and all you get is wet, then a minute later it wiggles and its Jell-O. How does that happen?)

Honestly, think about it - when you first get a cat or a computer, they’re cute, they're fun and you just marvel at their energy and all the cool stuff they can do. Then you notice that the older they get, the more they just sit around and if they do anything at all, it's very, very slowly.

Certainly no reason to name either one – they won’t come when you call anyway. And even though you might call you cat Boots, you're going to spend a lot of time re-booting. Say you're trying to read your favorite book - you boot your cat off your lap, then re-boot it, and re-boot it again and again. If you're trying to write your favorite book on your computer, at least once every chapter you're going to re-boot and, well you know.

Cats and computers are so smug and superior. I feel completely inadequate around either one. Have you ever tried to pet a cat and they arch their backs and move just out of your reach so you feel like a dope for even trying? Computers have the same capacity to make you feel stupid just by trying to log on. One little mistake and it's the idiot box for you, Bucky: "Passwords are case sensitive. Are you sure you entered it correctly?"  Well duh - only an idiot would enter the wrong password intentionally.

Have you ever seen either a cat or a computer with a sense of humor? Although cats have paws and computers have pause, and puns are almost always funny. You can use a mouse to move around on your computer or use a mouse to get your cat to move around. But it makes no difference to either one what you want them to do; they're going to whatever the heck pleases them, thank you very much.

Don't even bother trying to understand what either one of them is thinking. While they both communicate non-verbally better than they do verbally, they never have any difficulty denying their mistakes - it's always dependent on the input of others. Yet in the most amazing example of hope triumphing over experience, their owners can't imagine life without them.

In fairness to computers, it should be noted I've never had one throw up a hairball on my bed at three in the morning… In fairness to cats, I've never had one make me want to throw up.

A lot of cat lovers and computer lovers are thought of as weird. While I can't say I disagree, I can say this: welcome to the club, kids. Weird is as weird does.