12 years ago, our department started a newsletter. They asked for volunteers to attend an organizational meeting. I was new to the information technology group, but I like to write, so I went. When it was my turn, I told them if they wanted me to write about the joys of software, or how to diagnose code glitches, I was not their guy. But if they were interested in a feature column, I was willing. We were called Dealer Channel Services Group, so I called my column Channel Dredgings, naturally. Many of them are dated, especially the millennium stuff (remember the millennium?), but a few are worth reprinting, just for fun. Enjoy:
I am sometimes asked where the ideas for hansanity originate. All I can offer is that a bunch of ideas are always rattling around in my empty head like a BB in a basketball, and every now and again I grab onto one and see where it takes me. For instance:
I wanted to dispose of some confidential material, so I asked a supervisor where I could find a shredder, but he couldn’t tell me – the locations are kept secret for security reasons.
Anyone who says you can’t get something from nothing has not read my Performance Review. I actually found a copy of it at the library - on the New Fiction shelf.
I’m all for generating service requests for my computer over the LAN, but what happens if I can’t boot up?
One of my New Year’s resolutions was to join a procrastinator’s support group.
Maybe next year.
I wanted to take one of those memory improvement courses, but darned if I can remember where I put the class information.
How can you naturally decaffeinate coffee? Wouldn’t that be equivalent to artificial wool? Non-dairy milk? Natural polyester?
Close-But-No-Cigar Invention: The Cordless Battery Charger.
What do you call someone who breaks into a computer system? A hacker.
One who knows how, but is too lazy to? A slacker hacker.
Who eats between meals? A slacker hacker snacker.
What does he eat? A slacker hacker snacker cracker.
What if it’s especially tasty? It’s a slacker hacker snacker lip-smacker cracker
What do you call a hacker who sails back and forth across a lake? A hacker tacker.
What would the boom that swings across the bow and knocks him into the lake be called?
The hacker tacker smacker.
What do you call the guy who piles five hackers on top of each other? A hacker stacker.
Who gives hackers financial support? A hacker backer.
What do you call the sign a hacker carries? A hacker placard.
Who lifts the car when their tire goes flat? The hacker jacker.
What does a hacker use to varnish his desk? Hacker lacquer, of course.
Who helps a hacker when he has to move? A hacker packer.
Who bags a hacker’s groceries? A hacker sacker.
The Great Computer War broke out between users and developers. The users threw dynamite at the developers. The developers lit the fuses and threw it back…
Another Close-But-No-Cigar Invention: The microwave Crockpot.
What would happen to a time-lapse photograph developed with One-Hour processing?
Husband: Aha! It says here that on average, men only speak 2200 words a day, while women speak 4400!
Wife: That’s because you don’t ever pay attention to us so we have to repeat everything.
Husband: Come again?
Why isn’t phonics spelled f-o-n-i-c-s? (that’s not original, but it always makes me laugh…)
How is it wise man and wise guy mean the opposite thing?
One mouse, two mice; one goose, two geese; one moose, and uh, look - there’s another one!
No-iron shirt, clip-on tie, permanent- press slacks, Velcro closure shoes – I save so much time getting dressed I should be able to travel back in time!
If life is so funny, why isn’t everyone laughing?
What do you get if you cross a dishonest accountant and a microwave? Someone who can cook the books in a tenth of the time.
Speaking of microwaves, if you warm Chinese food in a microwave, do you get hungry again in ten minutes, instead of an hour?
Do you think Webster actually wrote the dictionary by himself? Not me - I picture a room full of desks manned by a bunch of interns and clerks. Suddenly, one jumps up and runs up to Webster’s desk- “Mr. Webster! I have a new definition for ‘queue’.”
Webster replies, “Go stand behind those two guys over there, Jackson, and wait your turn.”
And I’ll bet the split was traumatic when the two disgruntled project managers, Funk and Wagnall, split off to write their own competing dictionary. I can hear them saying “Can you believe old Webster doesn’t think a ‘yurt’ is a portable tent made of felt laid on a framework of branches, used by nomadic Mongols in central Asia? We’ll show him!” Maybe not as dramatic as the famous breakups of Gates & Jobs, or McCartney & Lennon, but I bet it would still make a good TV movie…
If life were easy, more people would win.
Altoids peppermints call themselves “Curiously Strong”. What the heck does that mean? Are they so strong they are curious, like they were created in an X-Files episode or something? Or am I supposed to ponder how strong they are? Those are two words that just don’t go together very well – curious and strong. “My, I’m very curious about your strength,” is something I’ve never said out loud. Or even thought, for that matter. Nor does thinking about it make me want to run out and buy Altoids, either.
I was downstairs in the AB building and saw a sign for the Small Business Group. So if that group succeeds, won’t company sales go down?
When I go to the grocery store, I wonder about that huge “Fresh Produce” department. Well, duh! What are the alternatives?
And don’t “Lowest Price Ever” ads make you mad? Especially cars. Lowest Price Ever on Chevy Impalas, the ads say. Really? My Mom bought one in 1971 for $6200, and yours is advertised at $24,000, nicely equipped. Give me a break.
According to my daughter, you can tell what kind of techie a guy is by his pocket protecter:
Clear: Little unsure of himself, wants the protection without advertising his nerdiness.
Red: Self-assured, confident. Drawing attention to his geekhood.
Green: Environmentally friendly type.
Blue: Melancholy, serious.
Black: Deep Depression. May be headed for postal…
Well, I reckon after reading this column no one will want to ask where my ideas come from anymore. Some things are just better left unknown….
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